(Geffen/Universal)

Of course it doesn’t live up to expectations, how could it?

What do you even say about, arguably, the most highly anticipated album of all time? Do you judge it without context, as an album on its own, free of the last seventeen years of hype, member departures, rumours, pushed-back release dates and general bullshit? The album itself has become a cultural metaphor, something that you know will never see the light of day despite reports that it’s 99% finished. Now that Axl has finally plonked it on Geffen’s desk, we’re going to have to return our attention to Michael Jackson and Britney Spears as the punchline to all musical jokes.

Everyone is by now aware that this band is very much Rose’s baby, but as the sole member of the band this comes as no surprise. Yes, Buckethead has lasted in the line-up much longer than most, but it’s like trying to convince me that John Stamos is a member of The Beach Boys. If you don’t have a top hat, long curly hair and a cigarette grafted onto your lip, you’re not a guitarist for Guns N’ Roses. Still, every single track is a guitar wanker’s dream, it appears Rose held his finger on the auto-tune button the entire time and his attempts at modernising their classic hard rock sound extend no further than using electronic drum samples. That’s the entire review right there. It’s average now, it would’ve been average at the height of their fame, but Chinese Democracy suffers even more for the prolonged gestation period. Even The Second Coming was superior, both the Stone Roses one and the Jesus thing. Do yourself a favour and listen to Appetite For Destruction until the next one comes out, which should be around Axl’s 80th birthday.

***½

MITCH ALEXANDER

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