Pilot for ‘So You Think You Can Dance Get A Decent Singles Review In The Street Press’

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

GNARLS BARKLEY – Run

(Warner)

First Judge, Young Guy With Big Eyes: Wow! That’s all I have to say. (It’s not of course, but while I sit here in a couple of seconds silence, it allows my slightly malformed face to give off some childlike exuberance.) Gnarls Barkley, I had some reservations about you coming in to this contest. Your singing and production has always been spot on, but in the songwriting round we went through, some of your efforts were pretty average. With your pedigree, you do suffer from us expecting more from you, but with some of the singles from your first album I couldn’t help but suspect you were being slightly lazy. That’s all changed with this single tonight. There’s some true soul in there, recalling elements of Aretha Franklin’s Think and making the most of some fantastic organ work. I’m excited by this.

REM – Supernatural Superserious

(Warner)

Second Judge, Woman With A Funny Toff Accent: REM, you’ve done that before, haven’t you. Tonight you drew the genre of Unchallenging Guitar Rock and I felt that you were very relieved with that result. Comfortable even. Perhaps even complacent. Reading your bio here I can see that you’ve been specialising in this field for quite some time, and that really showed with tonight’s single. You pulled it off perfectly, all the powerpop harmonies and maintaining an undeniably upbeat and celebratory vibe throughout, even if the lyrics didn’t particularly make sense. It was a really good, solid single, much better than some of your recent attempts that we saw in auditions. Totally fine. But I’m the inoffensive judge, so instead of offering any actual criticisms, I’ll just say that I didn’t ‘feel’ it. I got the sense you were just going through the motions a little bit, and that might be enough for people who already love your nasal throat singing and funny bald little head, but if you want to win this contest and attract new fans to your work, you’ll have to try harder. I believe in you. I believe in your talent. In fact, I’m trying to think of something I don’t believe in. Calling a spade a spade, perhaps.

KRILL – Shake It Up Ma

(Red Label / Sony BMG)

Third Judge Who’s Not Exactly Nasty, But Tells Everyone That He ‘Calls A Spade A Spade’: Krill, I had great hopes for you. Four girls and a boy, all from the same family in Yeppoon, and all loving making rock music so much. Tell me what rock music means to you. Unless you’re going to say ‘Everything. It’s my life!’ in which case you can hold your tongue, because I’ve heard that from every band tonight. Thought so. Anyway, you really had the potential to win the nation’s heart. Now I’m sorry, but I’m here to call a spade a spade, that’s what they pay me to do, and I have to say that song Shake It Up Ma was not your finest hour. Pop music mightn’t be your natural forte, but that’s what you’ve tried to do here, and from what I heard, you didn’t commit. What I just heard sounded like a middle-of-the-road garage rock band trying to pull off a feisty pop song with attitude, like Gwen Stefani or The Veronicas, but it came across as a limp attempt somewhere in between the worlds of pop and rock, like Vanessa Amorosi. That’s never good. It’s a no from me. I wish I had more time to offer more feedback, but I’m booked in at the vet to get this sick hairdo examined.

MATT MCBEATH – The Length Of Your Breath

(Green / BMG)

Voiceover Woman: Normally I’d say something here like “This week, some boy who was born dead with a leg through his chest but ended up jazz-tapping his way to a full recovery and simultaneously curing his foster-aunty’s blindness might be going home. Will Matt McBeath’s heart be broken, his dreams shattered and all his hopes for the future obliterated violently against a pile of sharp, blood-stained rocks by Nazis? Vote for him in a reality TV contest to stop him dying from shame.” But I’m not going to, because listening to how frail and mourning this Melbourne acoustic singer-songwriter sounds, it might already be too late. The Length Of Your Breath is gorgeous, fresh and potentially devastating in its analysis of a post-break-up situation. In fact, its low key honesty might be able to teach me a thing or two. Matt McBeath makes an identifiably real point when he sings about how things were great at the beach, but once he was back in the car with his lovely, things turned cold again. Normally when I talk about beaches, it’s screaming about how superhero lifesavers are dramatically risking their necks in wordclass torrential dangerwaves – and I think Matt’s method might actually be more affecting. There’s definitely potential for heartbreak here, but it might be yours, not Matt’s.

FUNKERMAN – Speed Up

(Vinyl Pusher)

Contestant Who Just Doesn’t Get It That Not Being Able To Handle Criticism Makes Them Look Like An Arse On Tele: I’m sorry, you’re passing? You’re what? Were you even listening to the same single as me? Let me try again, just let me try… start from the beginning… Or halfway through, start there, yeah… There is NO WAY I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. You’re not good enough for me, that’s the way it is! Who are you to tell me I can’t get in your stupid little contest? I’ve been DJing house singles for 18 years, it’s my life! I own a fucking record company with Fedde Le Grand and Raf! What do you own with them? Nothing, that’s what. *waves hand at eyes, trying not to let the accumulating tears well up enough so that one inevitably rolls down his face* I’m sorry, it’s just that Speed Up isn’t even a normal house single. Sure, it comes with 7 remixes, and lyrically it doesn’t delve any deeper than clubbing and a barely disguised drug reference, but it sounds more like electronic soul than anything I’ve ever done. You still found it dull? Fine, I understand. I understand that YOUR FACE IS STUPID AND I COULDN’T CARE LESS ABOUT THIS STUPID SINGLES CONTEST AND FUCK YOU ALL. *gets hugs and life advice from Izzy Hoyland, and waits for his outburst to shown more than any other footage in the entire show*

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