Despite what your uni lecturers might have told you, reviewing a single isn’t just a matter of listening to a CD, stating an opinion in a thought-provoking and frequently hilarious manner, and collecting the offers of bedtime companionship from the general community. Although these are all part and parcel of the Singles Reviewer’s daily duties, there is much more below the surface. How, for example, does Mine’s On The 45 maintain its 100.00% success rate in predicting the fortune of every single ever? How did we know that Craig David’s Hot Stuff (Let’s Dance) would reach #29 on the Australian charts (19.11.07)? How did we predict that James Blunt’s Goodbye My Lover was going to be the most annoying song of that entire year (17.01.06)? How did we reveal with such assuredness that Rock Around The Clock by Bill Haley & His Comets would not actually cause the moral downfall of society, but would help revolutionise popular music in a way previously unseen by a mainstream white audience (11.04.54)? Put your protective crystals and effigies away – it’s not dark magic. Through the simple analysis of statistical data, Mine’s On The 45 backroom team of boffins and honchos each week predict with certainty the future of singles. Now, in an exclusive one-off, we’ll examine how the world class team arrives at their invariably statistically correct conclusions. Sign this confidentiality disclaimer, and we’re on our way!

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

PLASTIC PALACE ALICE – The Girl Who Cried Wolf

(Shiny Records)

The second single from Melbourne six-piece band Plastic Palace Alice, the statistical chance of this song being chosen as Single Of The Week are immediately very high. A musically lush and shady, if not outright dark, song at not quite three minutes, The Girl Who Cried Wolf is from the intense indie-country portion of this pie graph I’ve had placed on an easel, roughly the same territory as many other recent Single Of The Week discoveries like The Fumes, Schvendes, Clinkerfield, Witch Hats, Bridezilla and Institut Polaire. Some of those tunes have maintained their appeal and become genuine favourites. Others have impressed in their week of release, only to go into the box of CDs I aim to but never again do listen to. Based on the lack of a unique lyrical hook, and the fact that this song slowly builds but never really climaxes, Plastic Palace Alice are statistically bound for the well-intentioned box, but with the hope of their forthcoming debut album delivering just that little bit extra required to turn supporters into fans.

MANDI JARRY – Girl Next Door

(MGM)

Important numbers for examining Mandi Jarry’s Girl Next Door (provided by press release): Age – 26; Height – over 6ft; Attractiveness – 9/10 (‘stunning’); Age first took piano lessons – 5; Age first took dance classes – 6; Live shows played so far – over 400; Number of singles released – 1; Nominations in the 2007 Music Oz Awards – 2 (Best Pop and Artist of the Year); Questions that raises since this is her first release – several; Aural similarity to Vanessa Carlton (1 least – 10 most) – 7; Sheryl Crow – 4; Michelle Branch – 8; Bjork – 1; Bachelor Girl – 10; Equivalent age that the sophistication in lyrics like I could be a rock star/ I could have my name up in lights/ Picture on a magazine/ Anything that I could dream… But I’ll never change, I’ll be the same / I’m still the girl you knew next door would be judged at by an educational professional – 10 and a half; Number on the radio dial when you hear this – 105.3.

REGAL – The Mack

(Unique)

In terms of Australian DJs, Regal has an intriguing background. Part of 1990s underground UK hip hop groups like The Wiseguys and Bronx Dogs, he has also remixed a statistically fascinating range of acts worldwide over the past 15 years +, from Primal Scream to 1200 Techniques to the Sugarhill Gang. Imagine the graph we could do on that list! Such a rich and varied history gives us a lot of numbers to work with, so while the big whirring computer with tape reels and flashing lights and a giant industrial fan works out what is incontrovertibly in store for Regal, let’s listen to the song itself. (This is a new requirement from management ever since that Mojo ‘Black Crowes incident’.) A very sparse trumpet and piano line over some light beats, some jazzy drum breaks, a chimey noise… and here’s the printout now. Statistical Analysis of Regal’s The Mack: This single has been found in 90% of cases to retain a statistically irrelevant amount of mental adhesiveness. Once heard, it is found 90% of listeners cannot identify the song again five minutes later. While other tracks on Regal’s debut solo album may offer more memorable B-Boy funk beats, The Mack’s jazz-fusion style is inconsistent with statistically successful singles.

KYLIE – Wow

(Mushroom / Warner)

Here’s the important stats on Kylie, as determined by the Rave Stat Squad: Wow is her 43rd Top 50 hit, 23 of which have gone Top 10. 10 of her singles have gone all the way to #1, the third most of any artist of all-charting time, tied with Madonna, and behind Elvis (14) and The Beatles (26). If you’re into stats, Kylie’s got some of the greatest, and we could spend all week breaking down trends and numbers and the amount of close-ups on her arse in videos – but let’s get to Wow. It’s already one of her Top 50 hits, but has thus far narrowly missed becoming her 24th Top 10 song, peaking at #11. Going through Kylie’s hits, the other thing apparent is that even as a fan, I can really only recall how about 50% of her hits go. Some of them evoke a blank stare. Most of the disposable unknowns I would know if I heard them, but can’t sing off the top of my head. Give it about a month, and I predict Wow will be within that statistical group. It’s a stock standard Kylie dance song, good for another tally mark, but not a classic.

FLO RIDA feat. T-PAIN – Low

(Warner)

The changes to ARIA charting requirements in November ‘07, including download only songs in their general singles charts, has presented a new level of statistical analysis to our team. What this means is that, as is the case with Flo Rida, the cheeky nasal voiced urban star who physically resembles The Rock with a lot more jewellery and a musically inexplicable Jimi Hendrix tattoo on his muscular shoulder, a single can already be charting before it’s released in the tangible format. By the time this song, the first track of to be released from the Step Up 2 The Streets film during its long and distinguished run at cinemas, was out in shops, it had already placed in the Australian Top 10, and has since climbed all the way to #2 this week. It’s also at #2 in the USA, although that’s after a 10 week run at #1. I don’t need Dr Statlove here to tell me that these numbers are impressive. Featuring a minimal bouncy computer beeping, an accent in which basic words are mispronounced to make them rhyme and lyrics about what a big-bootied girl is wearing, Low is one of the biggest hits in the world right now. Keeping all of these considerations in mind, let’s see what the stats say… and they reveal what I already suspected. Statistically speaking, there are far too many dickheads in the world.

SIMON TOPPER

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